“Later”

Last night, in my over-tired stupor I felt frustrated with my lack of time. But that’s just because I was tired. Overall I’m a very optimistic person about my future endeavors, whatever they may turn out to be.

During busy and tired times when I don’t have time for my interests I do question: “Who in this world can actually pursue their life’s passions, and what is it that enables them to do that?”

I started a family in my teens, didn’t have financial angels around me at the time to help pay for education, cars, first apartment, etc, and as a consequence got deeply into debt. I also have a high degree of attention deficit disorder, dyslexia, anxiety, frequent depression episodes and can be quite impulsive, which adds to my distractions. I also have some sort of short term visual memory cognitive disorder which I’ve never quite been able to pinpoint, but it makes working with visual matrices challenging for me. Despite all those things I’ve felt optimistic that I’d somehow be able to grind through and realize my ambitions of becoming a developer, inventor, adventurer, etc.

Now that I’m almost forty, I realize that I was a little bit delusional. I think that my main mistake was thinking that because I’m intelligent, creative and have the ability to work harder than most other people, that I’d somehow pull through “LATER”. Yes, I am all those things, but there is no more “later”. My every day from now on has to become my new “later”.